yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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