sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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