1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
this boner is exhausting
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
