I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Randomize
