R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
