I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
