12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
