she woke up with a sticky ear
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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