she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
