Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
