so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
