the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
