This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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