he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
