you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
