I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
