went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
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