Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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