# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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