maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
