The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
