I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
