my soul wont recognize me after tonight
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
