God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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