he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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