broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
