mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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