Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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