i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
