she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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