So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
