And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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