So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
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