No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
True strength comes from lack of pants
not ubering you a puppy
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
