bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
