Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Randomize
