we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
