my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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