i love accidental penises.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
