somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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