he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
