What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
not ubering you a puppy
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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