my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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