wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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