Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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