he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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