Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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