I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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