Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
