No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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