Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
