a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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