Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
