Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Say something about gay babies.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
