I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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