I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
