Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You may now shotgun with the bride
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
