my phone needs a breathalizer
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
