I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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