Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
